The Beauty of Fearing Death
by shrieking minties 51
Summary: Because it would be arrogant to seek perfection. KakuHida- written by a not-entirely-sane author


He has an impressive collection of hearts… (money, too, but as compulsive as he is, he still thinks about the former most). They are all strong and healthy (this is indicated with each steady thud he hears and feels with acute awareness and thinks, _mine… whoever had them before… they're mine…_).

He has tried to convince himself once or twice, and futilely, that they have only ever belonged to him. But he is far too aware of how foreign they feel, sitting heavy in his chest, and around him...

He is slowly (if you could call a slight change over hundreds of years development at all) getting used to the fact that he will never get used to them… their sound… and their rhythms, all excruciatingly loud and out of time with one another… It's enough to drive one mad.

And it is there, in Kakuzu's opinion, that the one benefit of Hidan's constant chatter lies… It drowns out everything in his own head, (both what he can hear and what he tells himself he can't hear- he's not entirely sane). The zealot's overbearing talk is much like Hidan's character in general, drowning out all else but the madness of his presense… (or the presence of his madness- but both are secretly more welcome than Kakuzu's own thoughts).

Kakuzu is unusually well aware (translate: he has elaborate imagination where his partner is regarded) of the way Hidan's poor, scarred, abused and cold heart will beat excitedly and heavily before a battle; which, naturally is after he has already been caught off guard…

Even more aware is he of the way Hidan's heart would flutter frantically and briefly after a ritual; which, naturally is before sex- because no one is more gloriously beautiful than after they have seen God- whether Hidan's Jashin is real or not, and Kakuzu doesn't want to know… because he's not sure why Hidan's heart flutters so, and suspects it has a lot more to do with the fleeting contact with Jashin and less to do with the considerably less ethereal contact with a certain, hapless falls nin (who incidentally swears he's not jealous).

Their relationship is odd and it does have a lot to do with Hidan's faith, but at least it isn't sick and doesn't have anything to do with Hidan being particularly tempting when covered in blood. Because Kakuzu would swear on (at least three of) his hearts that his favourite colour is blue. And his stoic side is sticking to that little white lie because red doesn't just mean blood, but love- something utterly foreign to Kakuzu…. That should make him sad, yes, but he's hardly one to mourn a loss, rather to reap all he can from things…

Reap… he's seen Hidan do so… and it's a dismal (but even more dismal is how welcome it is) realisation to him that his thoughts quite often trail back to his partner (the word lover is, needless to say, taboo amongst cold-blooded killers; though Hidan does have a grand old knack for breaking the rules).But he's not too worried; they're only thoughts after all (only voices he tells himself he can't hear).

He doesn't listen when Hidan speaks about God (Hidan doesn't complain, Kakuzu has to listen to most everything else after all) and he knows that Hidan has never found himself wishing for the older man to be concerned with Jashinism, or… at least… not out loud. It's a subject best left alone (and for once, Hidan agrees). So when they argue, it's about the material… about the money that Kakuzu so scrupulously ("Selfishly! Because that's the only way you can do things, stitches!") saves and Hidan, in turn, so carelessly ("for the sake of comfort and fun and everything else you've forgotten about, fuckwit!") spends.

It's the start of many an explosive argument… But in the end it's almost okay, because neither of them has anyone else to save or spend money for…

Kakuzu recalls once feeling like an utter whore when he, in the full knowledge that it would get him into bed, purchased Hidan a leather-bound book on the history of Jashinism (how he found it, he'd rather not say, but it was damn expensive now-that-you-mention-it!). The gesture had taken them both by surprise, Hidan had chided; "You're acknowledging that I can read? Well, that's something new!" This was followed by something even rarer than Kakuzu's spending money (and a lot of it!): a chaste kiss- after which Kakuzu, more than a whore, felt (mostly silly, and…) like a man who had just rewarded unfaithfulness… but Hidan had _so much_ faith! Just… not for anyone tangible and living and quite regrettably in love…

Sometimes Kakuzu is particularly moody ("Not jealous?! Gimme a break!") about the fact that he will always be the other man, (the other, equally immortal and predictable-if-not-reliable man, who Hidan can see and speak to and touch… and never love as he loves Jashin…). And sometimes he wonders what life would be like if he'd simply not snapped at Hidan when said zealot asked him if he'd ever been in love, ("You poor, poor bastard… five or more hearts at any given time and not one to spare!") – which led to, as is most often the case with Kakuzu's temper tantrums, the current difficult situation. But as luck would have it; things are almost bearable… Almost, being the operative term; but it's almost okay, because both almost understand that looking for perfection is rather arrogant, all things considered…

**Yeah, I posted it again… because I love it for some reason beyond reasoning…**

**This is clearly beyond the realms of normal drabbledom… It was intended to seem a little rambling- because it's simply following a train of thoughts. **

**Unfortunately I learned that thought trains don't work quite properly for me in third person. But I am very, very fond of this fic anyway… it was my first piece of writing in months and a sort of rebirth for me as a (person sadly attempting to be) a writer cough.**

**Thanks for reading, and, double thanks if you take the time to review; because I will take the time to reply!**


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